Andrew Christensen got up at a Lincoln, Nebraska city council meeting to make a stand for a pressing issue we’re all aware of but nobody has had the guts to address. No longer content to sit idly by as kids are indoctrinated, Christensen made an impassioned plea on behalf of society’s greatest menace: boneless chicken wings.

“I propose that we as a city remove the name boneless wings from our menus and from our hearts. These are our reasons why: Number one, nothing about boneless chicken wings actually come from the wing of a chicken. We would be disgusted if a butcher was mislabeling their cuts of meats, but then we go around pretending as though the breast of a chicken is its wing?” said Christensen.

“Number two, boneless chicken wings are just chicken tenders, which are already boneless,” Christensen continued. “I don’t go to order boneless tacos. I don’t go and order boneless club sandwiches. I don’t ask for boneless auto repair. It’s just what’s expected.”

“Number three, we need to raise our children better. Our children are being raised to be afraid of having bones attached to their meat. That’s where meat comes from, it grows on bones. We need to teach them that the wing of a chicken is from a chicken, and it’s delicious,” Christensen said.

The man’s not wrong. Sure, the world is currently on fire, but these are the little changes we can actually do to make a difference. Boneless chicken wings are just chicken tenders, which are already boneless. I don’t go to order boneless tacos. I don’t go and order boneless club sandwiches. I do, however, ask for my auto repair to be boned. It’s made for some awkward interactions but I want what I want.
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